We have decided to separate
If you decide that your relationship has broken down beyond repair, I offer Divorce and Separation Counselling. The focus will be to help you discuss, come to terms with and organise your separation or divorce. However this can be a painful process, especially if one person doesn’t want to separate.
What is Divorce and Separation Counselling ?
It offers an opportunity to talk, explore choices and discuss arrangements for children if you have them. Also, it can help to maintain some calm contact with each other during this time which might not be possible on your own.
Divorce and separation are times of intense emotion and stress. Sometimes you recognise you have grown apart with not enough feelings left to work at your relationship. In these cases, the process can be straightforward, and you can keep a friendly relationship, particularly if you have children together.
If it is a difficult separation
Often, especially where one partner doesn’t want the separation or it is the result of an affair, the process of divorce can be traumatic and long-drawn out. Counselling in a safe space can help couples communicate better.
When there are children
Children also have to adjust to a major change in their lives, as well as coping with their parents’ relationship breakdown and living between two different households.
When there are new partners
Even when a couple come to terms with the divorce and separation, this can change when you find other partners. There can often be arguments and unhappiness when these new partners begin to build relationships with your children.
It can all feel overpowering and exhausting as you need to sort out the home, finances, and children. You also have to cope with the general loneliness, loss and low self-esteem which comes with divorce. This takes time, patience and support to help everyone involved recover.
How can counselling help?
Divorce and separation counselling can help couples who have decided they no longer want to be together. It offers you an opportunity to speak about how you are feeling and what is concerning you. Often, people feel able to express their feelings and wishes in the safety and calm of the counselling room in a way they can’t alone together. Counselling sessions at chosen intervals can be a valuable opportunity to talk about how things are changing. You can also share how your children are coping and feeling as they adjust to living in your separate homes.
If counselling together is not appropriate, then either partner can come alone for individual personal counselling. Getting divorced can be a major time of loss and loneliness, often made worse by feelings of anger, rejection and betrayal.
How many sessions of divorce and separation counselling will I need?
If you are both coming together to work through your divorce and separation, you may only need a few sessions at intervals to allow any changes to be put in place and tested. When something isn’t working for you or your children, this is the opportunity to explore other ways to help and improve the situation in a calm environment.
Coming alone for help to recover from a painful experience and re-gain self-confidence and direction may take longer. It can initially be at weekly intervals, then less frequently according to individual circumstances.
What about the children?
Separated Parenting
Decisions regarding the separation process and living arrangements need to be made in the best possible interests of the children. Children experience the most stress and unhappiness when parents are arguing. This can be either with each other or about them. If children become pawns in a tug of war, then they are liable to suffer the most emotional upset.
Which parent?
Divorce and separation counselling can help with this difficult issue. If children are made to choose between parents, this can also cause them problems. When they are older, they may have clear feelings about who they want to be based with and where. It is best if you don’t express angry or hurt feelings about this in front of, or to your children. This way you can avoid causing divided loyalties which again causes emotional distress for your children.
What Children want
Children want to be listened to and have their opinions asked about agreements and arrangements. They don’t, however, want to be put in a position of having to make major choices between parents. This can result in them feeling they are rejecting one or other parent. It is best if both of you are polite with each other in front of your children and allow them to enjoy their time with each of you. The result will be that they can be with each of you individually without feeling guilt about having a good time. This also means they are then more likely to get through your divorce feeling loved, secure and able to get on with their lives happily.
Separated Parenting
I offer counselling for parents who want to be able to improve their parenting after divorce and separation. Are you arguing about arrangements to see the children? Do you disagree with the way your children are being treated in the other household? Counselling can provide a calm environment to discuss these issues and learn new ways of communicating with each other. All other issues including difficulty in arranging access and holidays can also be addressed.